Goodbye

Today they said their goodbyes. Tears in their throats knowing that this goodbye carried with it, a possible finality. A forced painful nine month separation into a land where many a husband have never returned. She is left sitting, waiting, and loving him from afar.

In this same day another farewell existed. She spoke to him, believing he could hear her. Her words were filled with a subtle mix of desperation and the truest of love. Nothing more does she want than to have her lover grow alongside her. To face a world without him is bleak and gray. Here she is left with a heart that is broken.


Shalom.

My list of awesome things.

1. Most kittens
2. Reading books in a bubble bath
3. Puppets
4. The internet
5. Crushes
6. Nick and Jesse cuddling on my floor
7. Pink sunsets
8. Walking adventures
9. PacMan
10. Magic

Math

If I am a sum of all things that have led to this point.
Does that mean that I am a mathematical equation?
If so, I have control over at least one of the variables. Do I not?

I am the result of the equality of two ever changing expressions.


These words lead me no closer to the understanding of anything.

The observed life

There are many things I don't do enough of and some I do way too much of. Lately, reading and writing have fallen dismally low on my list.
However, I suppose Christmas vacation is the perfect time to catch up on all those things.
I'm reading a book right now about several characters, some perfect strangers, who live alongside one another. One of the characters lives a quiet life. He has a relationship with one human, the neighbor who lives above him. He fears he will live the unobserved life. That all things and memories from his life will be lost to oblivion when he reaches death.
For some reason that thought stuck with me. Why? I do not worry about living a life alone, void of friendships and beautiful relationships, but perhaps its more my memory, or lack there of, that I worry about.
Once upon a time I was an obsessive journaler, documenting every small detail of my day. Today I write notes here and there, that so often end up in trashcans or in stacked up post-it note piles. I know I love life, but I don't often take the time to write stories of my day.

Mission: Document more life.

choir boys

This evening I stopped and shivered against a brick wall and listened to the choir boys through the open stain class windows.


Another taste of Portland's magic.

I found a dime in my dream.

Hello blog,

It has been quite awhile since I have sat down and had honest reflection.

The last two months have been a blur; a series of events, within my life or of those connected to me, that have had life altering effects. I'm left feeling numb, slightly in awe, confused, and perhaps unbalanced.
Life feels bigger than me. My skill set is either vastly under-develeoped or under-practiced. I do not feel qualified to offer counsel to my friends. I do not feel competent enough to manage my work responsibilities. And I once again am struck by the curse of falling in love.  Often all I have to give is deep empathy and silence. I see pain and sorrow seeping from their energy.

I am sad. Pain and suffering is real. And it is strong.

Alongside my sadness is love. I love to love. I love love. I believe it will conquer all. In the midst of all the pain we can find love. Julie will learn to live and love in this lifetime without the guidance of her earth mother. Michael will one day ride public transportation without fearing stab wounds. Lila will find a peace in her sexuality. Valerie will continue to walk alongside her dying husband. I will allow the universe to unfold in front of me.

 Embrace it and allow pain to have it's time and serve it's purpose.

And I'll accept the dimes that come to me in my sleep.

 Love,
Elissa

fun notes to get

"I'm so yours it's stupid!"