Popcorn with honey

You know how sometimes things happen that don't make much sense? And you aren't sure why or how you can't seem to communicate what you need or want? Situations that don't seem like they should be as they are?

I don't know what to do about a situation in my life.

I crossed paths with someone, who gave me a glimpse into what it could be like to find someone who would be greatly suited for me. In came hope, safety, and excitement.

Our flavors not only meshed well, but they complimented each other... oddly, they did. Our behaviors seemed to be understood. Communication was light yet with deep substance. Mutual care and respect existed.

I suspect the heat was on too high. We were either going to burn or cook too fast. Neither being the ideal meal.

So we took the pot off the stove and stopped cooking it all together.

I ate popcorn with honey last night, and I wanted to tell him.

The popcorn with honey made me further reflect on the bigger picture.

Is it possible that my roots have already started to grow but I don't know where they are?

I'm trying to take advantage of every minute I have here in DC. It was not ideal to stay as long as I have, and it turned out to be slightly more emotionally difficult than anticipated.

I have finally found myself in a healthy routine... I quit smoking. I started yoga. I eat 5-7 fruits and veggies a day. I started making new friends. I even surprised myself by taking my non jogging legs, jogging. I read everyday. I journal every morning. I sit outside and talk to the moon at night. I sit and talk to strangers and sit and eat with familiar faces. I walk my neighbor's dog. I pour blood on trees. I cook every night. I watch bad tv. I smell flowers.

While I understand the significance in being comfortable with being alone, I also must equally acknowledge my love of people and the role it plays in who I am. I get energy from the presence of beautiful lives near me. I miss having that energy around me.

I debated how much I wanted to invest in the journey of finding "friends". I think my Tucson departure greatly affected my desire to build a new community. I have just experienced a painful break from something I worked hard to build and grow. It makes me anxious about humanity and fear betrayal. The pain has since been replaced with experience; with experience comes wisdom and often time caution. (Wisdom isn't always a result for me.) I feel cautious yet hopeful.

Fortunately, or sometimes unfortunately, I think one of my gifts is meeting people and forcing them to be my friend. I just have to make myself deal with the social anxiety and get out and do it.

I have begun to find a balance between the healthy alone and new energies... only to leave and restart in Portland...?

My suitcases are packed. My small room is starting to come together. Is there a wrong decision? I don't know that there is. I could go to Portland and be poorer in wealth but richer in family. I could stay in DC and be richer in wealth but strugglin' with the energies. ;)

I guess at this point I go to Portland. Luckily I've learned that this second skin of mine called loneliness is temporary, as all things are. I've also learned that money is just paper. It comes and it goes. Friends are priceless. And old lovers lost are things of poets.

While these two topics may seem unrelated they are both a part of a whole Elissa. Taking the vegetable curry off of the stove for fear it might burn meant I didn't get to eat dinner.

So instead I snacked on honey popcorn.