Letting go.

You know how there are some people in your life that are more than just a 'good friend'? It's almost as though they are a part of you, and no matter where you go or what you do, they will always be a part of you, until perhaps even beyond death.
I don't often make those types of connections with men, for what reasons I do not know entirely. However there are a few that have become a part of my existence. Perhaps we knew and loved each other in a past life, or perhaps their strengths/gifts maximize mine and we contribute to the betterment of our combined healing, growth, etc.. just some thoughts?

Majed is a human that I love and will love for forever and ever. I wish nothing but abundance, prosperity, and love for this man. And if our paths never cross again on this earth, I look forward to when they will in another time.

Majed taught me great things that I was waiting to learn and know. He came into my life at a time where I was ready to learn the things that Majed teaches. With him as my guide I developed a deeper and new definition of openness. I practiced how to put aside indoctrinated beliefs and just listen. The vibrations of my body began to change. He was a part of my journey towards healing. and enlightenment.

Today I was able to have a conversation with my beloved Majed about a particular area of pain that I'm facing in my life. I've said the words that I've needed to face for months now. Hearing those words come out of Majed's mouth, showed me the urgency and significance of acting on them.
"You must let go, Elissa. Let Go."

Today I start the journey of letting go and learning what comes after you let go.

arriving home.

How is it that the ocean can make you feel like you have arrived home even if you're thousands of miles from your bed?
Perhaps that's one of the mysteries of the world.

Today I arrived home once again. The moment my feet met ocean.

I thought about and did many things today.

I thought about the struggle I've had with my family. The sadness that comes along with a broken family, the loneliness of being motherless despite the fact your mother is still breathing, and the pain of not being understand by siblings.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family, deeply. However I'm still healing. And not to be pitied too much, I'm quite happy and at peace with where life has brought me..

I thought about love. About how I'm surrounded by love in most every direction which whelms me and inspires me to try my hardest to spit love out onto those around me.



I thought about how Oregon is incredible in its beauty. And how happy I am that I live here.

Wednesday August 17, 2011

For the first time in my life I think could become a homebody.

Some may mock and that's just fine, but I really do believe my home is a vortex of magic. My nighttime routine might be my favorite. It involves turning on the lamp, lighting some incense with a few small white candles, taking off all the make-up and the day's worth of dirt from my face, making a satisfying cup of hot herbal tea, putting my soft and silky red nightgown on and sitting down at my desk to read or write, or sometimes just think about the day.

Tonight I think about how I awoke to a crisp summer breeze blowing in from the open bay windows above my bed, with my sweet kitty purring beside me. I won't even get into the cute plumber who banged the door down to grace us with his smile and handymanship.

I then brewed some coffee and enjoyed my home.

Today I also cut 12 inches of brown curls off of my head, well rather Meleni did. In a way I feel this new identity with it. I look  different. It feels different. But que sera, it's just hair. This month has brought with it so many "news"; A freshness, love, and openness that I felt like I needed to cut the deadness out of my hair.  Even if I do look chubbier and its not as nice as my curls, I'll embrace it.
http://www.royalthesalon.com/

Instead of going out for a walk or on an errand I'm sure I could have run, all I wanted to do was return straight home and continue reading, curled up on the porch, the couch, or in my haven of a bedroom.

I ended my evening by walking 8 blocks to my dearest and closest friends' home. I laughed, smoked,  listened, probably talked too much, and simply enjoyed the company of people I care about. Every moment of ingesting pleasure was appreciated yet knowing that I would be ending the night in my new home alone was the best feeling.

Sometimes I see glimpses of my "craziness" when I do things like thank the trees for their leaves and the stars for their beauty and the moon for its love, out loud, while walking down the street on my way home.  Tonight I just couldn't contain it to silent thoughts. I really do love the trees for what they bring us, and I REALLY do love to lie on my back and star gaze. I mean come on now, how many of you have had the stars set the mood for a romantic date or have used them to help guide you North or to clarity?
I suppose it was the a result of being whelmed with joy. Its a lovely feeling knowing that you are near friends. I love building a community where meals are shared and hands are held, walks are taken, and beers are poured. Where love is spread, like seeds. I love living in a home that is beautiful and safe, with a growing garden, and oxygenated rooms. I love walking to Saturday Market for incense and the farmers market on Sundays. I love knowing I will be starting a job on Wednesday. I'm satisfied, yet not afraid to continue to move forward knowing, it's just going to get better and better.

With all that said, it's safe to say that I'm becoming more ok with my craziness... even if the neighbors on 12th and Hancock are not.

Grape Ape on Schuyler Ave

Earlier this evening a 40 year man and his 9 year boy decided to go out for a father son bonding memory. The night probably began with a game of baseball in the park, followed by a trip to the library, ending with a quick stop at Voodoo doughnuts for a sneak of some late night sugar that they have both promised never to tell mom about. Shortly after arriving into Voodoo the father was not so difficultly enticed into buying the "evening special". A five gallon bucket of 'overstock' daily doughnuts. They preceded to get into their white somewhat windowless 15 passenger van that they casually had lying around the house, followed by a freak out reality check that mom "is going to flip her shit when she sees we came home with 58 doughnuts!" The decision was made. Father-son night time neighborhood adventure!

Meanwhile I was walking the short 8 block distance from my friend's house to mine. A block into my lovely walk home I was beckoned by a small 9 year old boy and his father in the front seats of a somewhat windowless white 15 passenger van saying, "pssst. pssst.. wanna doughnut??!" I did a quick double take and after the third doughnut offer realized that this was reality. This little boy really did have a 5 gallon bucket full of beautifully decorated doughnuts and he really was in a shady 15 passenger van with an older gentleman. And they really were psssting at me on a somewhat residential part of the neighborhood. I walked up to them to get a closer look, although secretly really wanted to take a doughnut. They looked legit. They sounded legit. Alright then. The father drove off and shouted, "KEEP PORTLAND WEIRD!"

Obviously I had to share this voodoo doughnut experience with my friends on the porch. I walked back, split the doughnut into sixths, and we all ate magic while I told my story. One member of the porch fellowship wanted another doughnut and suggested we walk down the street. Lo and behold father and son pair were tapping on uppity restaurants windows while holding up the doughnuts and pointing at them, they were passing them out to the homeless men on the corner, and nearby passerbys. They were practically throwing them in the air while singing magical Disney songs and clapping their heals together as the doughnuts fell like rain. It was quite beautiful to observe. They were spreading love in the form of a doughnut! ...

The end of the story resulted in 6 happy love filled friends smiling alongside a father and son who wanted to spread joy one beautiful August evening, one doughnut at a time.
No amount of calorie could have interfered with the pleasure of that doughnut.



A few of our samplings included:



Dirt doughnut
Raised yeast doughnut with vanilla frosting and Oreos!


Grape Ape
Raised yeast doughnut with vanilla frosting, grape dust and lavender sprinkles!



Marshall Matters
Plain cake doughnut with vanilla frosting and mini M&M’s!



Chocolate coconut
Chocolate cake doughnut with chocolate frosting and flake coconut!




Some of the ones we did NOT try were:

Arnold Palmer
Plain cake doughnut with vanilla frosting and lemonade/ice tea dust on top!


Dirty snowballs
Chocolate cake doughnut with marshmallow topping, dipped in coconut and a dollop of peanut butter in the middle!


Cock-N-Balls
Cock-n-balls shaped raised yeast doughnut triple filled with Bavarian cream and topped with chocolate frosting!




http://voodoodoughnut.com/menu.php

Bring me this.

Changing the world.

Have you ever had that moment when you knew that everything, every breath, every event that happened in your life lead you to this specific place? That you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

Love this journey. Love every moment of your current existence. Allow each and every painful memory to become an experience that will strengthen, change, and guide you into becoming who you are at this moment in time.

This moment is this. This moment is this.
It needed to be written twice because it needs to be said twice in order to begin the process of seeping into your understanding. This moment is this.

In this moment you are beautiful.


.......................................

Two beautiful women recently came into my life. They were brought to me at the time I needed them. They are sisters of mine and will be a part of my life until my last breath and probably beyond.

We realized something in unison. We see love at the core of all. Love is the foundation of everything. We experience the power of the Omnipresent Good. We want to change the world... and by golly, I think we can do it.
Go Forth in Perfect Faith.

Dimes

I want to vibrate in harmony with who I really am.

Love

I want to feel good.

Love

I want to find the thought that feels the best.

Love

I will go forth in perfect faith in the power of Omnipresent Good to bring me what I need at the time I need it.

Rose

I grew up in a home that was fairly rich in culture and ridiculously strict with traditions. No one would dare challenge some of the idiocracies threaded into years of passed down rules... such as name everyone the same name...?
My grandmother is Maddalena Guastella and my grandfather is Salvatore Cirignotta. My sister is Maddalena, my bother Salvatore, my cousin is named Salvatore, and my other cousin is Salvatore, and my uncle is Salvatore and my friend down the street is Salvatore because his grandfather was Salvatore; but getting back to family, the Maddalenas do just as good of a job of decorating the town.
This is such a powerful tradition that my grandfather cried when he heard my American(Jewish) mother did not want to name her son Salvatore; a reasonable wish, wouldn't you say?

Because my siblings had forced names, my mother decided to withhold middle names from all of us, just to be fair, obviously.
I shouldn't be too upset about the fact that I'm middlenameless because I am the only child in my family with a completely original name. Yet when you are a 9 year old fourth grader who has already been named the class misfit going to school on "Call yourself by your Middle Name day" becomes so much more frustrating. It becomes yet another thing you have to do to explain your unaccepted differences.
And that marks the day that I started making them up. Elissa Rosalia, Elissa Rosella, Elissa Marie, and Elissa Rosanna were among the most common. I had a strange fascination with the Rose+combo and would often rotate through them.


____
It's been a while since I have adopted a new middle name.
Roses have recently become a significant part of my life. This evening after another magical evening on the porch with beautiful souls I decided that in this new phase of my life I will give myself the middle name Rose, simply.

The Porch

The Porch

The porch is a place where women gather in solidarity; where we learn how to live as motherless daughters.

The porch is a place where you are heard.

It is a place where music is made, where dreams become reality, a place where friendships begin.

Sisters are given permission to hold hands and evolve, united in love.

Stories are breathed and tears are embraced.

Time disappears and the purest of love beams from the hearts of those that are present.

The porch is a place where you get what you need, where love is bigger than hate, and good is omnipresent.

All are welcome on my porch.