The thread that runs through it.

Common thread.... uniformity in action.

We search.

For better hair, for healing, for a perfect partner, a companion, a dolla dolla bill yo, for the right job, for unselfish babies, for the ideal vacation spot, love, a new car, for world peace, for a belt to go with my new pants, a dry spot to pitch the tent, for a discounted plane ticket, a friday night college party....

Full Circle

I've neglected my writing in the last week or two. I've had a strange mix of excitement and fear leading up to this move that the result seemed to be emotional numbness. I spent too much time sitting with a vampire blankness and an uncertainty about my decision. In so many ways it felt right, but I'm just so bloody tired of packing and moving and living out of a suitcase. I'm tired of looking for jobs. I'm tired of searching, searching, searching.

I did a horrible packing job. Mostly because I chose to spend all of my free time either playing with my new and old friends or reading bad literature on the balcony.

Somewhere in my refusal to think or process the decision to move to Portland I felt the urge to let my roots go. I am ready to build a home.

Definition of HOME

1

a : one's place of residence : b : House

2

: the social unit formed by a family living together

3

a : a familiar or usual setting : congenial environment; also: the focus of one's domestic attention;home is where the heart isb : Habitat

4

a : a place of origin home to spawn;; also : one's own country home and abroad;: headquarters 2; home of the dance company

5

: an establishment providing residence and care for people with special needs;homes for the elderly;

6

: the objective in various games; especially : home plate

— at home

1

: relaxed and comfortable : at ease at home on the stage;

2

: in harmony with the surroundings

3

: on familiar ground : knowledgeable at home in their subject field

home:

My definition: A place to unpack my clothes. A place where my cat can freely run. A place/space full of friends.

A routine with added freshness each week or month. A job that is full of love and life. A space to explore and find deeper understanding of existence and purpose.

My first couple days in Portland have been wonderful. I was welcomed with the most loving arms and helpful muscles to carry my 3 enormous suitcases. I was given a cozy bed and two cats that enjoy sitting and staring. I was surrounded by familiar faces and positive energy.

In the mornings I pour my coffee and walk 12 feet over to the mansion and visit with the Stutzman girls. Sometimes I bring my breakfast over with me.

Then I go to interviews or apply to more jobs, walk throughout the neighborhood keeping my eyes out for apartments, and play endless hours of kickball in the park.

Yesterday on a walk I was lost in this city of green. Roses in every yard, bamboo on street corners, tiger lilies and lilacs winking at me as I walked by. Garden beds on the sidewalks, flowers too exotic for the most exotic of islands right here in my new city. All hues collided together to make a splash of approval.

Further along on my walk I spotted a hula hoop... and then another.. and another, and another, and another, and received my second or third or fourth confirmation that I do belong in this place.

Then I found two rad martini glasses in a "free" box and grabbed a handful of rosemary in one hand and fennel leaves in the other. I might have even skipped down a block.

I walked back to find the residents of Schuyler Mansion sitting on the stoop.

I saw a glimpse into my home.

Made up recipes

Swiss Chard and Eggplant Quiche

Cut up a bunch of swiss chard

dice a sweet onion

cube a small eggplant

saute all of the above

add garlic if you please

pour back into a mixing bowl

Add 4-5 eggs and 1-2 cups of milk

teaspoon of salt

teaspoon of peppa

pour into a greased baking or pie pan

cook for 35-45 minutes

Creamy Kale Pasta

Boil a bunch of Kale until tender

Drain the kale

In a pan melt 2 tablespoons of butter adding in 2 tablespoons of flour, thoroughly whisking as you add.

Stir in 2 cups of milk.

Pour this mixture and the kale into a blender or food processor.

If you have cheese add now. Feta is tasty.

Pour the creamy kale over whole wheat pasta.

Popcorn with honey

You know how sometimes things happen that don't make much sense? And you aren't sure why or how you can't seem to communicate what you need or want? Situations that don't seem like they should be as they are?

I don't know what to do about a situation in my life.

I crossed paths with someone, who gave me a glimpse into what it could be like to find someone who would be greatly suited for me. In came hope, safety, and excitement.

Our flavors not only meshed well, but they complimented each other... oddly, they did. Our behaviors seemed to be understood. Communication was light yet with deep substance. Mutual care and respect existed.

I suspect the heat was on too high. We were either going to burn or cook too fast. Neither being the ideal meal.

So we took the pot off the stove and stopped cooking it all together.

I ate popcorn with honey last night, and I wanted to tell him.

The popcorn with honey made me further reflect on the bigger picture.

Is it possible that my roots have already started to grow but I don't know where they are?

I'm trying to take advantage of every minute I have here in DC. It was not ideal to stay as long as I have, and it turned out to be slightly more emotionally difficult than anticipated.

I have finally found myself in a healthy routine... I quit smoking. I started yoga. I eat 5-7 fruits and veggies a day. I started making new friends. I even surprised myself by taking my non jogging legs, jogging. I read everyday. I journal every morning. I sit outside and talk to the moon at night. I sit and talk to strangers and sit and eat with familiar faces. I walk my neighbor's dog. I pour blood on trees. I cook every night. I watch bad tv. I smell flowers.

While I understand the significance in being comfortable with being alone, I also must equally acknowledge my love of people and the role it plays in who I am. I get energy from the presence of beautiful lives near me. I miss having that energy around me.

I debated how much I wanted to invest in the journey of finding "friends". I think my Tucson departure greatly affected my desire to build a new community. I have just experienced a painful break from something I worked hard to build and grow. It makes me anxious about humanity and fear betrayal. The pain has since been replaced with experience; with experience comes wisdom and often time caution. (Wisdom isn't always a result for me.) I feel cautious yet hopeful.

Fortunately, or sometimes unfortunately, I think one of my gifts is meeting people and forcing them to be my friend. I just have to make myself deal with the social anxiety and get out and do it.

I have begun to find a balance between the healthy alone and new energies... only to leave and restart in Portland...?

My suitcases are packed. My small room is starting to come together. Is there a wrong decision? I don't know that there is. I could go to Portland and be poorer in wealth but richer in family. I could stay in DC and be richer in wealth but strugglin' with the energies. ;)

I guess at this point I go to Portland. Luckily I've learned that this second skin of mine called loneliness is temporary, as all things are. I've also learned that money is just paper. It comes and it goes. Friends are priceless. And old lovers lost are things of poets.

While these two topics may seem unrelated they are both a part of a whole Elissa. Taking the vegetable curry off of the stove for fear it might burn meant I didn't get to eat dinner.

So instead I snacked on honey popcorn.

More laughs.

Making friends takes work. Sometimes work I don't want to put in. Yesterday I saw some of the results of my efforts and I was pleased.

I went to the drum circle solita. Surprisingly something that is pretty hard for me to do. People often think I'm more social than I am. I have a large amount of social anxiety that seeps through my pores when I am forced to do things alone.... well rather, when alone carrying hope or intention of making friends.

I got to the circle trying to shrug off the loneliness within. Immediately I spotted a new "friend". I use the term friend loosely as we maybe had interacted once prior to this encounter. He was sleeping under a tree. I figured it was appropriate to wake him for the sake of company; luckily my weak filter balances my social anxiety and allows for me to do socially unacceptable things to people.

Dan is an activist that plays harmonica and fixes and rides bikes. He's a bit stinky and prefers not to launder his clothing. He writes short stories and has a show on Madison's public radio. He's like every hipster boy I knew in Tucson.

While chatting, hooping, and harmonaking with my new man Dan I quickly spotted another acquaintance. Like I said before, beggars can't be choosers, so I take what I can get, however it's possible this person might not make it to friend status. We chit chatted and then I went back to the harmonica.

Moments later I saw Sakar. My new hairy friend. He was hooping at the front of the circle, which meant I was only going to say a quick hello and move back to my hidden spot.

Once back to my spot I ran into an old friend and former neighbor Drex and hooped alongside him for awhile.

Not ten minutes went by until my new friend Lisa and her boyfriend Alex trotted up. My man Dan and Sakar sat down and joined the Lovely Lisa and Alex and I. Within ten minutos my brother-in-law's sister and girlfriend walked by and joined us. While laughing with Rosie and Lisa, my new crush the Turkish Murat biked his way over. It was a gentle mist of freshness.

I spent the rest of my evening eating pupusas and drinking bad margaritas with 5 lovely and 1 slightly annoying new people.

---

1 month ago I went to the drum circle all by myself. Not a familiar face to be seen.

Yesterday I walked there alone, riddled with familiar smiles, new hugs, and more laughs.

Vegetable love

Recently I've only been eating what I can buy from the farmers market and in bulk from the local co-op.

I think I spend less money, I eat more plant based food than I've ever eaten before, and I am 100% regular.

I find that I have to get pretty creative sometimes with my meals as I'm not accustomed to making so much healthy food from random vegetables.

Some of my favorites:

Radish and Carrot Salad

I use a grater to grate both the carrots and radishes.

Add a sprinkle of raw sugar.

a bit of white wine

a bit more vinegar

olive oil

salt and pepper to taste

Fennel Salad:

Dice the fennel pretty thin

Several tablespoons of olive oil

half of lemon

salt and pepper to taste

Southern Kale: (I didn't make this one up)

saute garlic and spring onions

add chopped kale with a bit of water

cover the pot with a lid and let it cook down

Kale Chips: (a good after dinner snack)

sprinkle olive oil on a cookie sheet

cut kale into small pieces and lay on the sheet

re-sprinkle olive oil on the kale

salt and pepper to taste

Baked Brussel sprouts:

cut the sprouts into fourths

place in a baking pan

mince 5 cloves of garlic

dice half an onion

2 tablespoons of fresh ginger root

cover the sprouts with the onion, garlic, and ginger and 2 tablespoons of olive oil

bake for a while in the oven at a seemingly appropriate temperature

Arugula Pesto: (this is now one of my favorites and a good break to almost 100% fruits and veggies everyday)

Place a couple cups of arugula into a pot of water.

As soon as the water comes to a boil turn it off and dump the arugula over a bowl of ice water. (to stop the cooking process)

I wring the water out with my hands and place the arugula into a food processor(or blender), add several cloves of garlic and some olive oil.

Serve over spinach and tomato or whole wheat pasta.

SO tasty.

Will you be my mom?

New play or short story ideas:

1) Which one is she tonight?

2)Gay costume club and techno raver club housed in the same warehouse. And the events that occur when they are mixed up.

3) The nuances of human behavior

New idea for online meet up site:

Willyoubemymom.com

I know I'm not the only person that wishes they had a mom. Unlike others I do have a human that is a alive that brought me into this world, but sadly she's not a mom nor has she been for now ten years.

I, along with the psychological input from my friend Beth, decided to start a new kind of "dating" website.

That's right, I'm going to start a website where boys, girls, (of adult age) whether gay or transgendered or straight or Italian can match their profiles with women that want to be mothers.

Eventually we'll add on fathers, but to pilot it I'm going to start with just the moms.

Obviously this is in it's beginning stages but feel free to give feedback. I might not be momless forever after all.

Karma Karma Karma Karmacameleon

Karma.

We throw that word around often, perhaps without a full understanding of it's significance. Or perhaps it is just as basic as gravity that we don't even notice it after awhile.

I often say to things like, "I'm not going to get upset about that, Karma will run it's course."

That's a phrase I used quite a bit during the "oh my friend is sleeping with my ex boyfriend" stage.

However I do not think I've ever sat and thought, oh that was a result of Karma....?

I love music. Metro rides go quicker with songs. Walking through cities hand selecting the soundtracks of my life makes for interesting experiences. I love laying in bed and listening to music. I love going to a bar or drum circle and listening/dancing to live music.

So when Eileen had her ipod stolen and was going to be in South America without a small device that could pump music into her soul, I sadly knew I had to give her mine. I could not leave my friend without song.

I spent an evening thoughtfully hand selecting her new playlist and sent her off with this music projecting device.

I have thought on and off about getting a new ipod, but finally decided against it as I am trying to save and pinch my every penny right now.

Last night, after a lovely evening of jazz you couldn't really hear in the sculpture garden, sitting and conversing with 15-20 random strangers I ran into my friend Ben. Ben directed me to the blanket where several other of our friends were sitting and as the night progressed I moved on with my old friends and left the new behind.

Upon arriving to Tiffany's adam's morgan apartment, she threw an ipod at me and said, "Do you want this? I'm getting rid of it."

WHO just gives away ipods?!

So this morning I sit and type while listening to a not yet synced ipod. Yo Yo Ma, Beirut, Bjork, Ms. Apple, and Sufjan fill my morning today.

Thank you Tiffany and Universe for my new ipod.

Ms. Firefly

I saw my first firefly of the summer.

She was waiting for me at the front door.