Stuff you know

"There is a lot of stuff you know and you don't even know how you know it."
- Double Fudge

It's amazing how much you learn from 4th grade guided reading groups.

blue. red.

blue hair. red eyes. fluent in Italian. Dreams of being a kind pirate. = good dinner.

Kindred Spirits

On Sunday I got to spend most of the day with a family that is quite dear to my heart.

I met Becky when I was 14 or 15 years old.

At one point throughout the school day I returned to my locker. Inside of it I found a rainbow colored oil painted card. I opened it up and inside there was a message from this blonde beauty I had not yet become friends with.

She had seen me earlier looking sad. For some reason I thought high school was the greatest thing ever, so sadness was not a common emotion I had painted on my face. She didn't want me to be sad, so she wrote me a card and painted it rainbow to send some sunshine in.

Really?

People like that really do exist.

From that point on Becky was a constant. A constant rainbow in my life. She was with me during my dark years in college as I dealt and faced the results of an ugly divorce. I was with her during transitions she faced. We celebrated with each other. We have cried in each others arms. We have eaten amazing food and cuddled for hours on the couch. We have shared thoughts freely with one another, opposing or similar, and have extended respect and listening ears.

Several years ago, Becky and her little sister Hannah and I decided that we very well may be soulmates. Perhaps just kindred spirits. But definitely family.

I don't get to see these girls enough. Recently another little girl joined the group. Becky and her husband Jason had little Ellen Grace last July. Ellen, is special. I'm not biased I'm honest. This tiny creature has a radiance about her. She loves people. She loves to smile. She loves. And I love her back.

I'm lucky I have people like them in my life.

Close

You see more with your eyes closed.

-Shannon Best-

Panajachel

I've applied to almost 30 some jobs in Portland and one in Guatemala, for something I'm not exactly qualified for.

Why is my only interview for the one in Guatemala?

Just a list

Things I should remember for next time.

Redeye flights may save you money, but they steal your sleep and suck your day.

Don't drive 2 hours after a redeye flight.

Good friends are always worth a two hour drive after a redeye flight.

Do laundry before you go away on a trip, so you have clean clothes when you return.

Freeze your leftovers, so you have lunch ready for your return. (good thinking Elissa)

Go to sleep.

Be nice to people you care about. Always. Even if they make you sad.

Hug and kiss babies.

Movie Queue

Mary and Max

Somewhere

My life without me

Moon

Waiting for superman

I fiori di Berkeley

I love wildflowers. Love love love them.

By no means does this picture do justice to the beauty in the wine glass, but it's a tiny taste of what Berkeley has to offer.

I'll toast to that.

Destination unknown.

It's about time to leave my west coast, at least for just a little while.

This week I accomplished:

Homemade peach onion sauce, 6 or 7 job applications, revamped cover letter (thanks to Beth for her mad editing skills), approximately 30 miles of walking... off the hundreds of crab legs I ate in Vegas, quality time with four wonderful friends, sleeping in every single morning, hardcore dog cuddling, and a few other things.

I'm not very excited to go back to DC. My first idea back in December, of having DC be a temporary landing spot was what feels most right.

So I picked a departure date, with some flexibility. June 11-16.

Destination still unknown.

I have mixed emotions about this. Sometimes it makes my stomach turn upside down to think about, other times it feels quite refreshing.

Insanity?

Sanity?

or Freesanity?

A good friend and a pretty special person in my life, once told me, "you need to open that heart up, that way things can flow in and out more easy and there is no unpleasantness."

Sometimes I sit with this thought and ponder how to do that.

There are a couple things I've been holding onto that I'm not open enough to share on a virtual blog. But those 3 things, which can actually be squeezed into one, weigh heavy on me, making it hard to feel open to let things in and out.

Sidelines

Just incase you can't read this: "You can't stand on the sidelines of life! I'm fuckin' 65!"

materials: journal, eyeliner.

Dilemma

Dilemma:

I applied to multiple jobs in Portland OR, two of which I very much want. It would be pretty surprising if I got them, however not outside of the realm of possibility. I'm holding my thumbs.

I told my current job that I am returning from my two year leave of absence. Why? Because I wanted job security. And because I'm a planner. I'm scared that if I tell them I'm not returning and then don't get a job, I'm stuck in a sticky predicament.

What to do?

Be a leaf Elissa. What would a leaf do? How would a leaf think?

Think about that for a minute.

Walk this way.

So the whole purpose of this silly blog is to have a space to process through thoughts. I have so many of them; some are connected to feelings or emotions, others are fleeting, some are about important things, while others are triggered by a passerby.

During my walk today I thought about several reoccurring thoughts.

1) Walking is my time to find clarity and process.

2) I am a walker.

I often think that I need more hobbies, I need to be better at things, I need to do more... etc. Which is maybe something that drives my adventurous side. or drives me crazy.

Today I found comfort in realizing that one of my favorite hobbies is walking. I'm a good walker. I could walk for hours. With a dog by my side, with a friend to converse with, or by myself. I love to walk on beaches, or in cities, up mountains, in residential neighborhoods, through zoos, in Peru or in Berkeley. I like to walk to get froyo or to meet friends for dinner. However, I do not like to walk to moving statues.

I get to see new things. Hear conversations. Attach music to my thoughts. Experience new places. See the ins and outs of cities and towns. Meet people...

I am good at some things. And even if some don't consider walking to be a hobby, I do. Walking is one of my greatest skills.

Kristin Jones

Since 2005 I have had a stream of very good friends that have temporarily relocated to the bay

area, making visits here so much more enjoyable.

Yesterday I met Kristin in Golden Gate Park. 8th and Fulton.

Kristin is beautiful. I've known her since college years. Todd started dating this girl that was "so cool", and he was excited to have us meet her.

I don't think I will ever forgot our first meeting. We were walking from Stone House towards campus and Kristin was coming from Maplewood towards the Science Center. We were going to meet in the middle.

She was riding a skateboard. And carrying with her a huge smile. She was a bit unsteady on the board and about 3/4 of the way across the turf field, she bit it, laughing.

I decided I liked her.

Our relationship has changed through the years. First she was my best friend's girlfriend, and therefore obviously my friend... then slowly she transitioned into being "my" friend.

She is beautiful and creative. I enjoy our infrequent visits a great deal. She is one of those people that is really easy to be with. Someone you are always learning more about.

Yesterday we walked 3.14 miles through Golden Gate Park, making our way straight to the ocean.

During our walk I realized that we are much more similar than I ever realized.

We are all searching. We are all figuring life out.

Deciding what our hobbies are, as we change and grow.

Finding things that satisfy our minds and bodies, as we evolve.

Looking for safe places to sit and call home.

Accepting the things that come into our life.

There was nothing I would have rather done than walk 9 miles to the ocean and back with Kristin Jones.

Noses are for smelling

Yesterday I took an after dinner walk, I love after dinner walks almost, no, maybe more than I love cooking dinner. After dinner walks are a must have in my life.

We took Pipa the dog with us. Destination: FroYo

On our way to Shattuck St from the house on Allston Way, I was whelmed by the beauties of Berkeley.

Baby gerber(like) daisies of golds, purples, pinks, oranges, and reds.

Plots of ivy growing around isolated rose bushes.

Red fairy dusters kissing yellow buttercups peaking through wooden fences. I was utterly mesmerized.

I wasn't able to take more than a couple steps without stopping, admiring and absorbing the beauty.

We made it to our destination and I got my froyo. A mix of vanilla bean, red velvet, mango, blueberry, and cheesecake topped with chocolate reeces... surprising tasty.

Our walk home was filled with night sky.

I quickly realized that I had all my energy focusing on observing the beauty that I completely missed the scents that these flowers produced.

Going back to Allston Way, I let my nose lead me.

It was incredible to experience how my senses compensate for the temporary loss of others. My nose took over.

Disconnection

Vegas is stupid.

In a bizarre way it reminded me a bit of Black Rock City, in the sense that something that wasn't there can so quickly be built up out of nothing.

However the major observable difference is that most people in BRC have a deep connectedness to the earth, whereas in Las

Vegas, I don't think people know what the earth is.

I do not believe I've ever seen so much fake. Fake canals, fake boobs, fake Eiffel tower, fake Colosseum, fake Celine Dion... It's a synthetic city.

Smoke, money, sex, plastic, lights, water.

But thank you Oprah for this experience. I'm glad I had the chance to form an opinion about this dessert city.

And thank you for your generosity. I don't mean to be unappreciative, the hotel room was rad. And we four had a blast with each other.

Baby, you ain't my reason

I hate to hate on anyone but Celine, come on.

Power and sparkly costumes you have. But cheesy, forced humor, oh my.

You are the reason You are the reason I wake up every day And sleep through the night You are the reason, the reason I found myself frustrated as I listened to these lyrics in the plastic Vegas Colosseum. Celine, you should stop that. I am my reason. I don't wake up for prince charming.

Dead until Dark

I like young adult sci-fi fantasy literature.

I do not like airplane delays. in Chicago.

$1498

That's how much the hotel I'm staying at this weekend costs.

Are they children? or are they animals?

On the train, on my way to the airport, on my way to Las Vegas, I wasted time by editing some of my photographs.
Two of my many categories are Animals and Children.

For some reason I just kept mixing the two up.

Animals ended up with babies from all over the world and Children had dogs, horses, and random chickens.

I had to stop and wonder... Are they children? or are they animals?

Healthy eating

Vermont's finest icecream for lunch.
Homemade chocolate chip peanut butter cookies for dessert.

Ms. Sergabatata

(During a game of Countdown- Students roll 2 dice and make sums, products, diffferences or quotients from the numbers)

Billy: "Ms. Sergabatata"

Ms. Cirignotta: "Yes, Billy?"

Billy: "Ms. Sergabatata did I put 6 up for did the dice did it?"

Ms. Cirignotta: confused look on face

Student picking up on teacher confusion

Billy's clarification: "Did I a 6 in put or did the dice did it put.. the 6? uuuh."

Ms. Cirignotta: "Billy, you rolled the dice."

Billy: "Ohhhh, yeah!"



I love children.

Dupont vs. Belsize Park

In 2004 I spent a week stuck in London.

I went to London without a ticket back to the US and as a poor college student I waited for the cheapest ticket. $400 one way to DC 7 days after my arrival.

Great! Except I obviously wasn't smart enough to do the math to calculate how much it would cost to live in London for a week (It was more than $400).

I was recommended a hostel in Belsize Park by a Canadian boy that I kissed in the airport. (that's another entry for later)

I spent a wonderful 7 days frolicking the streets of London by myself and with my new friends from the hostel.

Some evenings, after olives and stellas at the corner cafe, I would often walk the neighborhoods and peek into open windows.

Dupont Circle isn't that different from my quaint Belsize Park.

Observable differences:

Dupont has less children playing in the streets and in living rooms.

Dupont has less people at home and more televisions turned on.

We're all a little special

Today I was teaching my students how to add fractions with like denominators. Part of the process is simplifying the answer.

This happens to be an extremely difficult step for many students.

I taught them how to make factor trees to find the greatest common factor.

Some students rely on the trees. Some students rely on the teacher to help them make the trees. Other students can do it 5 or 6 times and then start to do the math mentally. While others still, are able to bypass all of those steps and do the whole thing in their head.

I realized today how this extends to my life.

I met a boy several months ago. I'll say that 99% percent of the whole situation was wonderful and I liked him.

At one point we decided, for various reasons, to not move forward with a r

elationship right now.

I couldn't figure out how to switch things off in my mind. Going from intense intimacy to "friends".

I knew what the answer was, but I had no idea what the process was to get to the answer. I am one of those students. I need to draw my factor trees, sometimes 190 times, before I learn how to get to the answer.

I can't do the math in my head.

Maybe someday I'll be able to.

Practice? maybe that helps.

We'll see.

But for now, I've decided I'm special too.

What if?

I have one particular person in my life that is more than a bff. She has seen my darkest and brightest sides and has held my hand through all of it. Oftentimes when we are together I think we should be comedians. Probably we shouldn't be. But our humor combined is like a whirlwind of amazingness. She likes to eat a pancake and one fried egg(on top of each other) with light syrup for breakfast. She knows exactly how many calories are in most of the foods she eats. She likes to be right about most things. I drive her nuts. I am never allowed to let her give me an IQ test ever again. (our friendship was compromised the last time that happened.) We often carve pumpkins when we are together. She answers my phone calls. Even if I call 4 times a day. (only on special occassions does that happen.)

She is constant, strong, wise, and beautiful.

She likes to share thoughts with me.

"What if you are a person (or some animal, i know you don't want to be a person) running after leaves, which are possibly carrying seeds, as they float back and forth to the ground from very high heights. I've thought quite a bit about this metaphor. I've thought about 1. What you might obtain by actually catching a leaf; 2. What the leaves/seeds are; 3. The consequences, good and bad, of focusing on leaves; 4. What you might obtain from running for leaves and; 5. What you might miss while focused on leaves."

I've also thought of potential answers to the self help questions listed above =) but I'll let you mull it over for yourself because you like to do that kind of thing."

Ok Beth, I'm mulling. Am I taking time to smell the roses?

Water. wisdom. grip

I have many great people in my life. Sometimes I am whelmed (last night Ben told me that we(people) need to start using the word whelm more) by them. I learn so much from my friends and wish everyone has people like I do in their lives.

One of those people is Eileen. She actually falls into the family category at this point.

Eileen and I have similar views of the world. not completely. but enough to allow us to never seem to run out of things to talk about. We talk about relationship struggles, loneliness, insecurities, new friendships, adventures, travels, wine, Italian gondoliers, food, the Tao, enlightenment, new hula hoop moves.. you know, stuff like that.

She is wise, reliable, and endlessly reflective.

Thoughts she shared with me:

"So I already said I liked your leaf analogy, and I liked whoever's advice it was to be the seed. But here's another alternative: be the leaf. Accept that you are the leaf. I understand wanting roots (really, I do). But even then, you can be uprooted. "

Change is the only constant.

"The more you hold on to something, the more it slips away. To hold the water in your hand you need to do so gently. As soon as you try to hold on tight, it slips through your fingers. I think about these goofy toys that were popular when I was in elementary school. They were basically like a tubular balloon filled with water. If you held them too tightly, they popped out either the top or bottom of your grip. And if you held it too loosely, obviously, you'd drop it. You had to have a just-right, gentle grip on them in order to keep them in your hand. So the extension is something like this: don't get too attached to things. When you love them too much, you squeeze too hard and they pop out of your hand. If you don't care enough, you drop it."

Sending you love, Neilly b.

Charlie, Charlie Brown.

I went to Freedom Market today... It is true. I was going to try my turn again with the lottery.

While in line a gentleman ran into me.

He turned. Apologized.

I said, "oh, you're fine" and "De donde eres."

Cute man. He was Columbian.

Mi nombre es Carlos. Carlos Moreno. En Ingles e Charlie, Charlie Brown."

Having been Sally Brown in a former life, called high school, I decided to embrace my Columbiano Carlos Moreno.

And I won $10.

Juice vs. wine

Today I poured a glass of wine forgetting it was wine. So it was like I poured a big ole glass of juice. Instead it really was wine.

I and love and you, Peggi.

Peggi was my friend. A human I loved very much.

I worked closely with Peggi for several years. My first two years working with her I probably popped into her classroom everyday to say good morning and get a hug.

Peggi was a natural beauty.
No makeup.
Real.
She loved to talk about beautiful things. like faith. and community. her love for her husband. And her talented and kind children.

I was much crazier than Peggi, and it was common for her to say "oh mi elissita.." after hearing some of my idealistic fantasies.

Her presence was soft and comforting. She was love.. and she has left residue of love behind her.

Peggi was a part of my life for six beautiful years.

She died on April 2, 2011.

I and love and you, Peggi...

Teased hair.

I have an interview today at 4:00.
I decided last night that this interview doesn't really matter as I don't actually want the job.

However... I didn't realize this morning as I was dressing myself that I put on navy blue stockings with my black outfit and black shoes.
At recess today a colleague asked me if I was planning on "spicin' myself up" before the interview.

I wasn't.

He suggested I take the clip out of my hair and tease it a bit, remove my glasses, and maybe put on some gloss.
"Girl, you need some help," he said.

Me and my red glasses, clipped frizzy hair, and unmatching outfit are going to an interview at 4:00 pm.

I think he's the one who needs help.

When Pigs Fly

Strange encounters.

For the most part I really like to talk to strangers. And I embrace situations in which the structure of stranger talking is facilitated.
Meet Southwest Airlines.
I prefer flying Southwest for three reasons.
1) Bags fly free
2) There are no cancellations charges. (I know, unreal?)
3) I can pick who I sit beside.

It is fairly common for me to saunter my way down the aircraft isle and look for middle seats in between interesting looking people. I make them be my friend. I trap them into conversation! I am that person.

This particular day I chose a window seat and had sleep or daydreaming on the brain. I wasn't feeling chatty.

I looked up when I heard a giant of a man come trampling down the aisle saying outloud, "I'm looking for someone small to sit beside."... followed by a santa claus laugh.

I probably rolled my eyes, and followed up my disdain for this particular gentleman by stretching my 127 pound body as far as I could into the seat beside me.

I was the lucky one.
This 6'6" giant sat in 12 d.

He said hello. I said the mandatory hello back, possibly adding a "how are you?".. and then laid my head on the window to begin my 5 hour forced nap.

About 20 minutes into the flight the joking Southwest Captain (#4 thing I love about Southwest... have you heard them? cheesy, but funny) announced that we were flying over the Grandest of grand canyons.
DAMN!
I had to look! I lived in Tucson for almost two years and hadn't gone, this was my chance to see it from above.
I tried to quietly sneak a peak without giant talking to me.
Fail. fail. fail. fail.
He was good.
He nailed me with 3 questions as soon as I lifted my head.
Have you ever been to the grand canyon?
If you had your pick of anywhere to go, where would you go?
Why are you going to Providence?

And this is how I began my 5 hour nonstop conversation with Mr. Giant.

Mr. Giant was very nice and very very different from me. He was in his 40s, spent his whole life trying to become as wealthy as possible. He was a dirty business (I just learned how to properly spell that word) man, who lied and cheated to make a buck.
And now in his 40s was searching for enlightenment, for answers, for forgiveness.

The first hour we spoke of education. He voted against education tax increases. He has 3 kids in the public school system.
The second hour we spoke of health care. He doesn't think we need reform.
The third hour was a mix of how to make money, raise kids, give to charity, etc..

Then we transitioned into spirituality. We spoke of purpose. love. community. faith. honesty.
He cried as he told me of his journey.

We disagreed throughout most of our earlier conversations.
Until we reached the last 2 hours of our flight to Providence.

During the last ten minutes, he felt compelled to show me his tattoo. Strange?
It was a pig with wings.
He said, "This is my reminder, that I am nothing but a pig with wings."


Pig with wings. ok.
Something I wanted to ponder and reflect on later as it was such a strange concept.

We reached the airport, said our goodbyes with a hug and thanked one another.


I got back to Tucson late Sunday night and went to work on Monday. I opened up my agenda. I had a postcard lying in the front of the book. Three weeks prior my glorious friend Meander came to visit. We went on a magical day trip to Bisbee AZ. I decided while in Bisbee that I was going to become a postcard writer. Not a postcard writer poser. I bought 6 vintage postcards. I sent 5 of them.
One was left in my agenda.
What was it?

A pig with wings.

FreeSane

Freesane...

Define sanity:



Now define insanity:

Think Seed.

During a meditation I visualized myself as a leaf. I am not attached to one or any particular tree. Sometimes I sit in magnolia trees, sometimes in pines.

I can only sit for so long before I'm blown out of the tree by a powerful gust of wind.

If I wanted to be a leaf, this might be satisfying.

But I keep trying to be a tree.

To find a place to grow roots.

I find myself unsettled, searching, and confused. No direction. Unable to locate my North Star.

I bounced this idea off a handful of good friends.

Two offered insight and clarification.

"Don't think leaf. Think seed," one said.

Today I start to think seed.

In every place I'm blown, I leave a seed. If I blow away again, hopefully I leave seeds behind that can start to take root.

Time to put on a new lens.

50,000

I bought a lottery ticket today.

Really thought it would be it.

I sat in the park and scratched it out.

Today isn't my lucky day.