72 days of summer

If anyone actually reads these; I solicit your feedback on this entry.

I was 7 the first time I was asked the infamous question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
I can close my eyes and be taken back to that very moment in Easton Pennsylvania.  Surrounded by sweaty Italians in their baptismal bests.  I remember the picnic table, the small blue kiddy pool, the greenness of the grass under my feet, and the feeling and smell of air touching us. 
"I want to be a teacher," I proclaimed.

Its difficult to articulate even now, but it wasn't the traditional vision of a "teacher" in today's society that I saw myself being.
By the time high school came around, and even more strongly by the time high school ended, I knew I wanted one thing. Independence. Everything else was secondary.
I call college my darker years. When I finally started breathing life, I celebrated leaving my zombie state of mind that was college. I lost a family and didn't quite yet know how to start healing.  My desire to achieve total Independence became even brighter. Without anything to fall back on or a place to go home to, I had to survive. That was back in the days when I thought I needed to be in a particular place in order to be home. Silly girl.
I chose to become a special education teacher. Knowing it was my starting place. I had little confirmations daily that I made the "right" choice. My college professors and cooperating teachers raved about my natural skills to teach. So, I kept on going, right?
During my first four years of teaching I had some serious stuff to do. I had to fix a very broken Elissa. I didn't think the pain could hurt in any more places than it already did. But I was wrong. After a grossly disgusting breakup several months after graduating I found there were moments when the pain was so strong I didn't feel anything at all. I hit bottom.
I poured everything I had into being the best teacher I could be. I fell in love with the role of teacher. I fell in love with my students, whom I didn't realize until much later were in fact my teachers. I loved pouring good intentions into my space, our classroom. I spent hours building the library, growing plants, listening to students share stories, building relationships with these little bodies and minds, and learning more about life and our interconnectedness.
After graduating with a Master's in Teaching, ending another relationship, spending 4 years in therapy, and learning as much as I could about this broken educational system I decided to take my adventures elsewhere.

2,333 miles later I was in Tucson, Arizona. Along with a new job, I was also starting a whole new phase of healing. I had a great job as a Behavioral Specialist of a Public High School and a completely new life! What an adventure it was. There were moments where it was slightly eerie how magically things fell into place. I was given a community, friends, decent salary, and so much stinkin' love. My vibration began to shift.

During my short time in Tucson I began putting words to why I felt I wasn't supposed to be a teacher.  But it wasn't until these last 72 days of summer vacation that I finally got it.
drum roll please...
I don't believe the environments that we've created in these rigid buildings, with hundreds of external laws and rules governing every decision are where or how people learn. What has become of public education? How did it get to this? A place where test makers make millions, students share a room with 40 other bodies, and teachers work two jobs?
I feel worn down by the despair emanated from colleagues, students, principals... anyone who has anything to do with Public Education. (Other than those who make the pretty pennies at the top, obviously.)
I can almost taste the next phase.

"You want to be a hula hooper?" you ask. Yes, well, no, but yes.
If I were to be asked to today what I want to be when I grow up I think this is how I would respond;
I dream of being a teacher. And a student.
I dream of balance. Within myself and all over this earth.
I dream of being a famous children's book author.
I dream of being a travel writer. 
I dream of writing about how to wake up happy.
I dream of a world where we all radiate love.
I dream of a world where people do not fear.
I dream of helping others share their stories.
I dream of starting an epidemic of kindness and love. 
I dream of a world where people freely encourage others.
I dream of giving.
I dream of being on Dancing with the Stars.
I dream of living amongst an entire humanity that is more often blissed out than stressed.

I wouldn't replace a single experience I've lived. The very hardest make the good times taste sweeter and richer.
And here I find myself. Ready, ready, ready, to leap... knowing that if I do, the net will appear, but unsure what the leap looks like, or maybe I do?


All thoughts are welcome.
 ecirignotta@gmail.com